nowhere else to go

my thoughts will be updated here to keep them in a safe and hidden spot from those who want to 'protect' me

these shall be disjointed my typing cannot keep up with my thoughts


i guess this is a new thing then? hhhm strange i am not sure what ill write here but this is super fun isnt it! everyone is fucking getting on my nerves seriously i honestly hate most of the people in my school like i havent seen the stupid pricks for two months now and im still pissed at all of them,, school in september willl just been fan-fucking-tastic. like is there anything that can help me? i dont think so i mean as far as i can tell ive tried mostly everything seven years of therapy and im still super fucked up,,,

my arm hurts


maybe ill grow out of it, hopefully ill grow out of it, more relatable than others the emotions get through and im not crazy to be feeling this way! others have ambition, they want,,, i want to die never thought id last this long and i have its scary im not meant to be alive and i am. i was never meant to be alive...grow out of it? fucking worthless bitch you wont be alive to grow out of it so stop dreaming!!


fight the fucking urge to say none of your god damn business!

,,My heart hurts, my back aches

im calling out for you

i see you, i need you, more than you ever knew

i wanna know cus we both been hurt before

why yours answers no when i say i love you?"

a perfect song to describe how i feel


i have secrets, secrets are so fun! not telling them im lying this is a secret. but like fuck it imma kill myself in two years so like who fucking cares? ...not if you could see inside my brain...


everyone is so fucked up like seriously can you guys get your own brains? the media is fucked and i hate it!!!!!! it makes me so mad yet i am just another stupid worthless fuck that follows celebrities and their lives, admittedly since my depression robbed me of a year of schooling i have been straying further and further from the light of the celebrity and media filled world. maybe april 2019 was my time of understanding? god knows i needed it,,,,, i do think people should think the same way as me and i know thats bullshit since i just said about having an individually thinking brain but what i meant was deciding how things make you feel for yourself.

dont be happy because they expect you to be happy

dont be sad because they expect you to be sad

dont shy away because they expect you to shy away

dont do anything they fucking tell you to do!!! understand these things for yourself look at events and decide how you feel about them not what they want you to feel. because it is now clear that since im "better" from my depression im not allowed to be sad or have anything miserable go on in my life because that would mean im still fucked up even after all their precious hard work :(


boo fucking hoo for everyone on this god damn planet only few are worthy

they are super cool! i want a camera like that,,,,i know that my family is watching and judging my every move i do not care they can believe what they want only i know the truth!!!! and yes ill be writing shit i think about the things i see because im aloud to do that, you cannot stop me, no one can stop me


i think they are super cute! i long to feel worthy of a place,,, why can we not decide where we belong? my existence sucks most would be happy to tell me to fuck off for saying all this that i have a good life but no fuck you im ruined and im the only one who knows the extent of it, ive tried to explain but no one tries to listen properly let alone understand,,,, im the only one who can save myself, and saving my self by ending my life is my only option. i know my plan, this format shall not.


let me tell you, ive only been alive this long because im a fucking coward who was worried how it would affect those around me, now, now i have my best plan yet i dont care! its my life i should get to decide whether to take myself out of the running or not!!!! also ill probably never get a boyfriend, which sucks i want one really badly but no one likes me, ive never had one and i never will have one im too damn unloveable, im never anyones favourite person, never the first choice. it hurts but its reality, it gives me more motivation to keep this secret from all who could potentially stop me. i have to do this its the only way for me to be at peace, ive never been at peace but i will find it, my best plan to date, it could change but im pretty confident!


fuck why does everything have to be so god damn hard? fuck man im sick of all of this shit! why must i live this life and live through without complaints while everyone else gets to bitch and whine about the smallest of things, you all deserve to die!!!!!!!! im crying like a dumb bitch right now. fuck everything, nothing is worth while. i will be dying in two years time, a strange yet comforting thought. some fuckers who deserve it too. i do hate everyone who doesnt think the same as me (I KNOW I AM CORRECT!!!!) i think im too much of a coward too do so. why should i not get to be happy? what have i done to the fucking world for it to hate me so? no one fucking loves me, no one will ever love me thats why im better off dead. if i could have it my way the world would be a better place,,,,, granted no one would live for very long but once all of humanity is wiped out who will be here to give a fuck? you know what ? might just help, or it could fuck me over like everything else. Nothing will stop me from killing myself, nothing. id ask for a sign but it would only encourage me to kill myself more.

i feel so stupid to ever believe my life could be anything more than this. there will always be pain and i wont be able to escape it,, i want too so bad and i can acknowledge that the only way is to kill myself. also as much as i want my life to live under a perfect aesthetic this page will not be that this is simply my dumb fucking emotions and thoughts sprawled out for no one to see. maybe someone will, probably not, no one i know. if someone i knew saw this it would mean id be dead, and well we just cant measure the times of these aspects can we? i long for a way to go back, a time that shall never exist.

i cut my arms a lot had about 24 cuts at one point i guess as sad as i am the sadness is more a numb feeling, i need to let frustration out to want to do it. why would i do it even if i didnt want to? is that normal? i think i have a bought eight small cuts right now, its scarred a bit so i cant really tell. should i do more? i know i deserve it, i just dont want my mum and dad seeing. if they saw theyd ask and i dont want to talk aboit shit like this, its easier to just let things like this happen id rather if people didnt bring it up but they do. the hot weather is also screwing me over right now because if it was cold i could easily wear a hoodie or something but its fucking boiling so i cant :/


i wish i could tell whats real anymore, going into states where i have to harm myself to make sure i can still at least physically feel like i exsist is scary, i dont like them i wish they would stop. sometimes when i check the clock hours have gone by but i cant remember anything that happened, i wish whatever was taking my time away from me would stop or just consume me whole, i dont like the confusion. its sickening.

i dont believe sympathy is bad, i sympathise a lot with various things. pity on the other hand, i dont understand how some people crave it, dont lie to me to get your fill from a pityfull reaction because i wont give it!!!!!! you should get it through your thick fucking skull that im not the type of person you should be lying to, i cant forgive nor forget no matter what i say or how i act, the rage it causes me still burns

i dont know how to explain myself well, my brain feels like its rotting and i dont know what to do. starting new medication soon, just have to come off my current one maybe it will work and the horrible pains i feel will go. when i was still unaware of the power my brain could hold, deadly power, never did i think id have to be on antidepressants, not that i make it any better sporadically taking them, such resistance to take them, as much as it hurts me i like my thoughts. should they end? they will end but in the way i want them too. should i let others take them from me or not? shall i see what happens on the horizon? though some part of me knows i shall feel this way until my death, fate is a funny thing and it has cursed me to a life of solitude, even in the biggest group of people. i want it all to end- i need more distraction.


everyone is just so fucking edgy arent they? like jesus fucking christ get your own god damn minds, and i know you may think "ooooooh well i do im a true individual!~" no your fucking not!!!!!!! like seriously stop trying because when people see through you its honestly just pathetic. and people might see this and think the same about me, though i could care less because i know who i am and what i have been dealing with surpasses the years ive known about a number of things many could see fit to blame it on. honestly im just so fed up of all the people in this god damn world, i havent left my room in five days and now im expected to vist my family soon? no, no fucking way i dont want to do that!!! i hate that youll make me, i hate you for it- just leave me alone


i want to die, i want to die so badly. i cant stand this pain anymore, i dont know how much longer i can continue i need something to kill me before i have to off myself because im a coward. but i know eventually i can do it, i can do it. can i wait two years? i am not sure i can last that long


i dont think i can go to the funeral, i think its going to be too much at once. theyll have to understand it too much. im not good with goodbyes, i cant commit to something like this. its easier to pretend like nothing happened.


i cut myself again last night, it feels good, not on my arm but on my thigh. funny how ive gone from my waist to my arms to my thighs over like five years. sucks how i was clean for like eight months but i know i deserve the pain, i dont deserve anything else.

i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here i dont belong here

my brain is rotting, it hurts i want it to stop


a strange thing happened yesterday, i saw a thing saying youd still be in something until 2060- until our graves. my first reaction was 'well hopefully ill still be alive by then' but i wont. it was strange when i realised what i had first thought. ill be dead in two years (if all plans are succsessful) it feels good knowing all this will end soon, maybe ill meet my soulmate and id never have to do it. i know i wont though, no one will ever love me

ive always been a hopeless romantic, id do anything for love. ive never been in love but i can only imagine the euphoria it brings, i will never get to know- i want to know, i want to have love so bad but its not my fate


my mum is drunk again, she knows i dont like it she knows what happened yet refuses to believe it was real. i know what happened it happened to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes it was years ago but i cant forget how scared i was

shes trying to force me to eat but i wont, not if shes telling me to no fucking way, 'dont be weak' fuck you! you know how it makes me feel! how am i meant to forget the times you told me you wished i was never born! how am i meant to forget?!?!??!! im not the only fucking person whos rude and selfish, fucking hell. how can people expect me to deal with this. my dad, whos an alcoholic, hates my mum when she drinks- this proves how bad it is

this just gives me more reason to carry out my plans, i dont have much longer and they dont know that, so i hope they continue like i have all the time in the world, fuck everyone


i love being shouted at over my mental health, something i cant control. its just so much fun to be berated and screamed at for something that causes me physical and mental pain every single day, something i wish i could get rid of. yes please continue to treat me like this because i have obviously chosen to have the various list of problems ive been diagnosed with. thank you, you fuel my hatred and my will to end my life. i hope your all happy. fucking cunts

i cut again, my leg hurts, stings but i guess ive found a way that inflicts the most pain with little scarring thats good


i have a new friend! shes lovely, i guess making new friends is okay, but like as much as id like a boyfriend i dont think i can do that. what? it goes well and then in two years im like 'hey imma blow my brains out when i got on this trip ive been planning for years!' yeah fuck ive fucked up big time ive fucked up big time so fucking much so fucking much fuck i feel so so so sick i want to die so badly, fucking fucking fucking dumb worthless bitch why the fuck did you tell him how can you be so stupid, you are so fucking stupid i seriouly hate myself so much why would i say that you dumb fucking cunt your worthless so worhtless worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless my brain is rotting help please someone help me, what a dumb cunt why would you tell him that why you dumb bitch now hes going to care and check on you. why the fuck would you say anything you worthless bitch i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i want to die i want to die i want to die

its okay, its okay hes drunk so maybe he wont remember what i said, i hope he doesnt remember oh god i really hope he doesnt remember

he doesnt remember im so happy, i did cut out of panic, it hurts probably worse than last time


i lied to my psychiatrist today- told her i didnt selfharm recently only thought of it, felt strange to lie but i hate people in person knowing about it, was it the right call? i guess we'll find out


wow, i honestly cannot believe it, seriously im in shock. why does he get to do shit like that to me- move on and have a happy life. when im still here scared to death everyone else will be like him. i fucking hate him so so much, how am i meant to be at peace? killing myself is the only way forward, and im worried i wont be able to- the trip when i plan to do it.. what if i dont have enough money to go? im saving i am, i need to die i need to so so badly. it all hurts just to much, to much all the time.

i started my new medication, idk too early to see if its working,,,, im not sure if i hope itll work anymore. i meant whats the point? whats the point in anything? fucking useless im a lost cause people should give up on me. i dont understand why they wont, people are fucking stupid

maybe ill act like im fine, pretend everything is better and then kill myself, hahaah that would be so funny, shock everyone! oh man i love surprising people


im not sure how much i can take anymore. its all to much, im not sure how much longer i can go on, the thought of suicide is so comforting im not sure what to do, i should just focus on making my friends presents. itll distract me.




so i had a vertigo attack, whatever my main problem is that my mum saw my self harm and now shes demanding to give her what i used. i hate her for being so intrusive leave me alone you arent helping despite what you may think youre just making it worse! but on a happy note i managed to disasemble a disposible razor and get the blades so now i actually have something i can cut clean without having to hack at my skin. so im please with that but my lovely friend has been fucked over by her cunt of an ex boyfriend, he deserves to die. fucking cheating on her its awful- shes so upset but she got some readings and the future is apparently hopeful so i wish her the best of luck! i know she has neocities so i hope she doesnt come across this, too personal yet anonymous.

someone sent me dick pics unsolicited, he wouldnt tell me who he was but said he knew me, from the texting style we have a few suspects but honestly after seeing it- i think he should go to the doctors... but yeah that was not great and he asked for nudes in return, which i did not give! whoever it is they are a creep but most of all i hate them for lying to me because they said theyd tell me who they were and they never did, so fuck you


i have been self harm free for five days- feels awful, im not happy. i dont feel better i just want to cut more. i think i will later- only early hours right now, plus not even in the same room as my razors and stuff, i have antiseptic and shit now. so thats good i guess. ive been reading flowers in the attic- its good, still making my friends birthday present, i cant slack on it- her birthday has gone but its okay its late, i need it to be as good as possible. they need something good to remember me by, i want them to have something so they dont forget me. sometime off but- i know what i need to do, and thats die im comfortable with this choice.


IM MAD ABOUT PAST THINGS BUT IM ALLOWED TO BE MAD I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD ABOUT SHIT! so this will basically be a rant yeah and i know no one reads this but its nice to write on here it helps i guess, but anyway!!!! people have a real fucked up definition of harassment- like really doesnt anyone know what it means? like sure i could claim this person looked at me in a weird way they were harassing me!!!!! but thats not harassment you are just being so over dramatic, but that dumb fucking lying cunt i mentioned before oh she hasnt said anything in a while but it seriously is pissing me off she was the most unbelivebly rude cunt bitch and i was trying to be nice even if people are mean i try- i dont know whats going on in their lives and i dont want anything worse for them, but i can only take so much you know? being called names saying im acting as the victim and other lying bullshit- all while having such hostility because YOU messed up YOUR friendship with my friend and were jealous that i was honest and kind to them so they told you how you hurt them and that they didnt want to be friends so YOU decided to take it out on ME a person who you previously lied to- in ONE conversation, you dont fucking know me, you have no right to be so fucking hostile when im keeping calm and trying to be nice!!! i honestly dont care i hope she gets whats coming to her- FUCK such awful people on this earth that dont deserve anything!!!!! fucking cunts, fuck you

ive been cutting more uh yeah ahahah thats a side note i guess, sometimes i think- why write all this down on here?- well even in my diaries, people know they are mine, so this feels safer despite really anyone can read, huh funny how things work aye

oh!!! i just thought well theres a super cute guy who works in a place near me, he has really nice hair and he complimented my taste in music! i was so happy that was a good day!!


school started, its fine i guess. i just love it so much when my friends complain and tell me how much nice, good, respectful attention theyve been getting from boys and i cant even get one to look at me, maybe i should give up i mean a life without love in any respect it worthless to me if my friends new about this, read this they would be like but **** liked you! and so did ******, yeah but they would also go out with a sack of potatoes so ??? also **** was reported to the police for harrasing girls and treated me terribly and the whole time ive spoken to the other hes asked for nudes and when i say no he ignores me for a month tries again and its a whole cycle. so no, no one likes me and none of you cunts can see that because you have people left and fucking right

im going to go and cut myself now, its what i deserve for being disgusting and worthless, oh also ps to everyone im not your fucking therapist if youre sad talk to a fucking doctor it might not be easy but i feel im responsible for at least three lives currently, as well as my own so fuck you all and take some fucking responsibility, i dont go to you with my problems yet i always have to fix yours


havent been here in a while, so caught up in school bullshit huh. i am sick of everything no luck when it comes to school, guys, i hate the way i look. been fasting for 16 hours a day and im still ugly and fat. i just want to feel loved, i long for someone to look at me like im worth something. i dont think its ever going to happen though. i dont want to seem selfish i really dont and i often worry that i come across that way but i just have so many thoughts and emotions and i want them all to stop i need them to stop it all is getting to much for me and i dont know what to do anymore, also i dont think im being treated for my ocd correctly it feels difficult to be limited in such ways and i have no idea how that is a method of treatment? im not sure at this point it feels like my psychiatrist has given up on me saying that there isnt any more they can do ive only had CT and SD theres more way to treat things i hate this i hate this i hate this! i just want to know whats wrong with me